sauntereddownward | Aziraphale

Aziraphale

Since that fateful morning in Aziraphale's shop...flat...bedroom...Crowley had decided he needed to really dive into this feelings thing headfirst. He went to the park and the shops and quaint little restaurants and he watched. Watched couples, mainly. He wasn't human but surely there might be something there he could understand.

He understood the looks, the smiles, the gentle touches. He could appreciate the affection. He could very much appreciate how nervous they all were. Well, not all. Some of the people were absolute predators and he could tell just by looking, but those people he looked straight past. That wasn't what he wanted to know.

Where Aziraphale might turn to books, Crowley liked something a bit more timely and he headed for the internet. He set up a Match.com account, but only learned there were a terrible lot of horny, awful men in the world. He went to r/Relationships and learned just how bloody dysfunctional They all were. It seemed no matter where he turned he only found out that this thing Humans lauded, wrote poetry and music about, talked about constantly seemed to be something not a single one of them had a grasp on.

And so he decided if he was going to learn anything about Love he was going to have to go to the Source. Or, well, close as he could get. He skipped his way into a church and found a priest. Surely His love would be understood in a place like this.

The sum total of what he learned was that the priest was an idiot and dancing his way into and out of the church was going to have him soaking his feet for a week.

At a loss, he retired to Aziraphale's book shop and draped himself in a comfortable chair. He let out a dying, pained moan and hung his head back until he had slithered down and nearly sideways in the chair.

"Angel!" he called. "I think I need some tea."

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Since that day, Aziraphale had been having similar anxiety. Except, whereas he thought he understood a great deal about love, what he was very anxious about was... sex. Should things go in that direction, which they hadn't yet, instead he and Crowley simply spending their nights sleeping next to each other and occasionally cuddling, and kissing.

So he'd been reading books. There was, actually a stack of them on his desk in the bookshop. A mixture of clinical books about sex, self-help books, and erotic novels.

When he heard Crowley, he came around from where he'd been shelving books in the back. Already holding a hot cup of tea. He handed it to Crowley. "Are you quite all right, my dear?"

Crowley took the cup and held it delicately.

"Everything is terrible," he replied. "Humans are so confusing. They're confused by themselves, even."

"Oh," said Aziraphale. Long pause. "Is this new?"

Crowley thought in silence for a long moment, puzzling it out.

"No. Not really," he finally admitted.

"Well, um." Aziraphale sat down in the chair next to him. "Is there something in particular that is bothering you today?"

"You'll think it's stupid," the demon mumbled.

"Oh really, my dear," Aziraphale said, gently chastising. "I hardly think so. Besides, even if it is stupid, I will still love you." He smiled magnanimously.

Crowley rolled his eyes so hard that the act was evident even behind his dark glasses.

"If you must know...I've been trying to figure out feelings. Love. Like. Devotion. And all I've found is that these Free Will creatures just poison their own wells. All. The. Time. They're no help."

"You've been trying to figure out... love?" Aziraphale repeated. "By watching humans? I... I don't know, Crowley, maybe you've been watching the wrong ones. I've seen some wonderful examples of love."

He paused, and then added, "What exactly were you trying to, um, figure out?"

"Awwohh...you know. What it is. How it works. If I am even, erm....capable? I don't know. All I found was a bunch of fighting and insecurity. Surely that isn't what Love is. Insecurity."

He paused.

"And don't tell me the teachings of the Boy. I know Love is patient and kind and blah blah blah. That really tells me nothing."

Aziraphale was quiet for a moment. "I see love all the time," he finally said. "Kind acts. Small touches. Looks they think no one else can see. But I think that you should simply feel how you feel. You don't need it to be anything else."

Crowley scowled.

"I feel Greedy," he said. As if that summed it all up in one tidy package.

Aziraphale blinked at him, not entirely sure how to take that. "I, um, could you elaborate?"

"...No?"

Clearly a question he was wrestling with.

"I want it all. Everything. Right now. I want you. I want...I don't see what you see and I want to. I want it. Now."

Aziraphale was having a lot of trouble understanding this particular train of thought. "But... but what do you want?" he asked, a bit at a loss. "I mean, I can't... I can't make you love me, Crowley, if you don't. I don't know how." And he sounded maybe a touch sad.

The demon huffed.

"Just...just define it. Describe it? What is it supposed to feel like?"

Aziraphale was quiet again. Thinking. And finally he said, "I can only tell you how I feel, my dear. I want to be around you all the time. I want to be as close to you as possible. I care about your well being more than I care about my own. I want you to be happy, and I want more than anything to be the case of that happiness."

"Well, yes. Of course. All that. But isn't there something more? It can't be so simple. I want all that, too. All the time. But...shouldn't there be more? Bells? Or...I don't know. Sparks, or maybe some kind of plague?" he asked.

This conversation was starting to make Aziraphale very nervous. And it took every bit of self confidence he could muster to do what he did next.

He stood, moved to Crowley, and leaned down and kissed him. Not a peck. A real kiss.

"You don't feel sparks?" he whispered.

To say Crowley was stunned did not do justice to the feeling of being stunned. He was stunned speechless. Stunned boneless. Stunned absolutely mindless for a long, long moment.

"Mm," came a small sound. "Yes...I reckon so..."

"You seem surprised," said Aziraphale, straightening. Though he too seemed a little dazed from the kiss.

"Me? What? No...no, no, no. Just a bit...would you do that again?" he asked.

Azirpahale smiled, and then leaned down and kissed him again. And at some point slid onto his lap because it was simply easier to kiss him that way.

Crowley's arms slithered around him to hold him close and he delighted in the taste of Aziraphale's kiss. The Grace there took his breath away and he could only hold on tight and enjoy the moment.

When the kiss broke, Aziraphale was a bit breathless but still managed to say, sounding worried, "I - I'm not too heavy am I?"

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